Zach Hates You

Shut your god damn face. You’re whiny, high pitched voice reminds me of Jack “Douchebag” Johnson.

Jack Johnson is a douchebag. Say it. Jack Johnson is a douchebag. Douchebag douchbag douchebag. While climbing at Stone Gardens, his cover of Tom Petty’s “Freefalling” came on. It was terrible.

I

HATE

IT.

Fucking lameass, annoying, whiny, bitch. You’re a god damn pussy and you make a retarded amount of money off your stupid songs. At least it took me time to hate Dave Grohl and Eddie Vedder. With you it was right away. STFU KTHXBAI

Without all you morons that consist of my bars clientele on Saturday nights. You people are the most stupid, ignorant dbags it’s amazing that you somehow function in day to day life. I’m sure none of you hold any job or position that benefits your fellow human beings to warrant your existence here on this planet.

Do me a favor: STOP FUCKING BREATHING. Really.  It will solve a lot of the worlds problems.

Yeah, it’s a couple of days after Patty’s but whatever.  Holidays that are for nothing but drinking and being drunk are retarded.  Let’s drink so we can’t walk! Woooooooo! Idiots.

Honestly, I was really surprised how well the night went all in all.  I didn’t kick anyone out until early evening and even that was pretty easy.  The only hands on customer service I provided was when the bar was closed.  The bar was closed, the night was over and I was about to head home on my merry way when some older dbag was slipping off into dreamland on the bar.  I had already threw on all of my bike jacket, FiveseveN, and bag while almost out the door.  Almost.   The first bartender shakes him a little bit to no success.  So I give it a go.  Now, I was having a pretty good night.  Next to no problems, small amounts of vomit, and I even had a really cute chick assault me with a couple of kisses and now, this dude.  So I attempt to rouse the man that over indulged very nice like instead of my normal “get the fuck out you fucking fuck” ways.

Z: Hey buddy, time to wake up the bars closed. <Light shaking on shoulder>

Drunky: <Shrugs my arm off> No I’m staying here.

Z: Bud, you didn’t hear me, bars closed.  No more drinks, everyone’s gone.  It’s time to mosey out the door.

D: NO! I’m staying here! Iknowmoney.

Z: Huh? You no money? <Looks at bartenders>

Bartender: Nah man, he’s paid up. <Waves towards the stumbly and then the door>

Z: Partner, you’re good to go, it’s time to roll.

D: NO! I KNOW MONEY AND I’LL CALL THEM UP! I’m staying here.

Z: You…know…money…(light bulb! I don’t speak drunk all the time.)

Bar owner: Sir, it’s time to leave.  You’re on private property and need to leave now.

D: Fuck you <Pointing at me> and fuck you too you bitch! <Points are the bar owner>.

Now, I haven’t worked at this bar for almost a year before the weekend.  I really liked the bar.  It never got to bad, money was good, the staff was super nice and the owner was one of the best bosses I have ever worked for.  And this dude just got hostile at her.  This is when everyone that was staff or a regular flipped.  I dropped my bag and grabbed the dude.  He of course wigs out at this point.  I’ll give the moron credit, he had some sort of drunk strength going on and he really didn’t want to leave.  Putting up a fight against me just upsets me more.  Also, I had some very large co-workers right next to me.  The guy attempts to swing on me and I laugh.  I’m wearing my motorcycle jacket and he’s well wrapped up by myself and another huge security guy.  I get him spun around and get a decent rear naked choke on the guy.

I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove the RNC.  I can toss people around with it, walk them anywhere I want, and make them pass out if I need to pretty easy with it.  It lets me control the person without having to do any permanent harm.  Also, I love that gurgly noise people make when they are being choked, but still get juuuuuust enough space to suck a bit of air.  Good times!

So I have him at this point.   He’s not going anywhere.  I didn’t have the greatest choke on him due to my leathers, but it’s enough of one for a drunk ass in his late 40s not to do anything.  I walk him out and have a nice discussion with him.  I told him that he was going to walk away when I let him go.  If he turned around after I let him go, I would put him on the ground in a not nice way.  It was going to be very painful for him.  I made it very clear and made him repeat what I had told him before nicely letting him go.  Well big surprise he decided to turn around.  So I started to walk towards him and used my loud person voice.  He promptly turned around and walked just a few more steps before turning around again.

I had this handled pretty easy, but because of the mellow night, everyone wanted to jump in.  I wasn’t really pissed with this dude, but I wanted to rile him up a wee more. He decided to run his mouth, I had to take a couple of verbal swings at him.

Z: Hey dumbass! All that money that you keep talking about isn’t going to keep you from getting your ass stomped right now.

For a moment, I really think that did the trick of getting through his thick skull that this was not a situation he was going to win.  He looks like he’s going to bolt and starts screaming again.  I know money, blah blah blah.

BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAAAAH

Fuck you and you’re fucking money dude.  You’re an old moron that had too much at the bar and didn’t want to leave.  That money that you know?  That guy doesn’t give a shit about at 2:20 in the morning.  I wasn’t really going to kick your ass but the other 10 people that were there really, really wanted to.  I almost let them.  It was tempting, but I really wanted to go home. So congratulations! You’re a giant assclown that no one wanted to leave the bar with.  You didn’t have any friends to help get you home, or a nice lady to get you to stumble into a cab.  Have fun being some supposedly rich dudes bitch.

People.  I really hate people.  Like I said, I was having a decent night.  You put a small damper on it.

But hearing you gurgle made up for it.  I can’t lie about that :]  I almost decided to take your glasses and make them a souvenir for the night, but tossing them provided a giggle.

Dear fat chick that grabbed my beard in a really bad attempt to hit on me,

You’re fat and annoying. So when the first attempt didn’t work, try try again huh? Why did you think pulling on my facial hair was going to win me over? I haven’t worked at that bar in a year. I have a reputation of actually throwing girls out (yeah, it’s sorta true) and yet, still you persist. Saying “you really hate this” as I pull away from you might give you the hint that you are correct. Here’s some advice to make you more attractive: lose 20 pounds or so and stop being stupid. I know, both of those are probably not going to happen, but if they did I still wouldn’t want anything to do with you.

<3

Me

Due to the fact that I ride my motorcycles more then I use my car, I’ve had to become picky with gas stations. The reason behind this is the gas pumps. In a car, you shove the nozzle into your tank and walk away. Bike have smaller tanks and that god damn “safety” device that only pumps gas if it is pressed down is a real bitch. If I’m stuck refilling at a station with one of these pain in my ass devices I can usally manage. This was not the case today refilling my GS750 (which I also hate). I actually gave up after filling up 2 gallons of gas. The pressure of the gas coming out made it impossible for me to fill my tank without getting gas everywhere. Total bullshit. So I hate you gas station. I hate that pump. It’s my gas and I’ll put it wherever I want.

One of these days Zach will post something here.